Book Excerpt: Drama TV

DRAMA TV (the 13th Nicky and Noah mystery)

by JOE COSENTINO

Book Blurb:

It’s winter break at Treemeadow College, and Theatre professors and spouses Nicky Abbondanza and Noah Oliver, their best friends Martin and Ruben, and their sons Taavi and Ty are starring in a television pilot for the Nicky and Noah Mysteries series based on their first caper, Drama Queen. More is shot than footage as cast members drop like giant flat screen TVs mounted by an intoxicated carpenter. Once again, our favorite thespians will need to use their drama skills to catch the killer before they get cancelled. You will be applauding and shouting Bravo for Joe Cosentino’s fast-paced, side-splittingly funny, edge-of-your-seat entertaining thirteenth (yikes!) novel in this delightful series. So relax on the sofa and reach for the remote. The TV screen is exploding with sexy young heartthrobs, egotistical reality TV show contestants, a soap opera diva, a hot rap singer, and murder!

Exclusive Excerpt:

I called out, “Everyone, let’s move to the next shooting location.” Like the Pied Piper of Tinseltown, I led the group up the stairs to the hallway of theatre faculty offices. The crew had made my office look like a showroom for film equipment. I joined Noah in the tiny space between my desk, a light pole, and a camera. Our stud Cam Mark, southern belle—getting more southern with each scene—Caroline Joy, Taavi’s intended Madame Mirembe, and rapper Tadeo Torres took their spots opposite us—sandwiched between the brick fireplace and the boom mic stand. Our makeup technician Stuey Socks elbowed his way through the crew members like a champion in the Gay Games. Though my Roman nose was oily, and Caroline asked for more lipstick, Stuey made a beeline for Cam, ran a comb through his thick dark hair, and brushed a bit of pink rouge onto Cam’s high cheekbones. Then the makeup artist said to his model, “You look perfect, Cam.”

Cam shooed him away.

Stuey dejectedly joined the other crew members near the doorway.

I called out, “Quiet in my office, I mean, on the set. Roll everything. Slate. Take 1.”

Nicky and Noah interrogate theatre majors David Amour, Jan Annondale, Kayla Calloway, and Ricky Gonzalez about the four students’ relationships with the five murdered faculty members at Treemeadow College. David seems mesmerized by the mirror hanging opposite him on the wall. Jan, Kayla, and Ricky are transfixed by David. Nicky glances at the fireplace. Recalling how his father had trapped him inside a fireplace for a week when Nicky was five years old, Nicky shakes and cries uncontrollably shouting, “Daddy, you burn me up!” Noah recalls how his mother deprived him of going to the circus as a child. He steals a clown paperweight from Nicky’s desk and thrusts it inside the pocket of his blazer as he shouts, “Now who can’t have my way with a clown, Mommy!”

“Cut!” I ushered Sam Bailey to a corner of the room—banging my head on a light screen, microphone, and technician along the way. “Sam, this scene doesn’t ring true for me.”

“Why not?”

“Noah and I didn’t blatantly interrogate the suspects. And our childhoods were perfectly normal.” As normal as living in a Kansas bakery and on a Wisconsin dairy farm can be.

Sam smiled broadly. “It’s what the television audience wants, Nicky.”

Noah joined me. “I agree with Nicky, Sam. And Cam’s acting was quite wooden. If we take a break, I can work with Cam some more before we reshoot. And you can both talk with Martin about the studio’s script rewrite.”

“No need.” Sam whispered to us, “The straight female and gay male viewers will be focused on Cam’s good looks not his acting. The straight male and gay female viewers will be in the kitchen getting a snack. The background music will be so loud, no one will hear what you and Noah are saying.” Sam waved his watch in front of my field of vision like a roller coaster during an earthquake. “Let’s shoot the next scene with the swish and the country bumpkin.”

I’d had enough. “Sam, calling people these names is incredibly offensive, and I won’t allow it on my set.”

“Which is paid for by my television network.” He waved my contract like a flag in a hurricane.

I sighed. “Clark and Bucky, you’re next!”

Clark Murata, as Graduate Assistant of Directing Scotty Bruno, and Bucky Ray, as Graduate Assistant of Technical Theatre Tyler Thompson, switched places with the actors playing the four theatre students. In the process, Tadeo Torres tripped Clark who shouted, “Leave your high heels at home, rapper girl?”

Tadeo grimaced. “Lucky for you that I did, or they’d be lodged in your skull, Clark.”

Stuey Socks touched up Clark’s makeup, leaving Bucky with his finger up his SAG card.

Bucky called out, “Hey, Stuey, you forgot me?”

“If only I could.” Stuey glared at his fellow resident from Mountain Brook, Alabama.

Sam waved his shooting schedule at me as if it were a list of names for Mafia hits.

I called out, “Roll everything. Take 1!”

Nicky and Noah interrogate graduate assistants Scotty Bruno and Tyler Thompson about their relationships with the five murdered college professors, noting the murders leave five open tenure track positions at the college. After saying the word, “track,” Nicky collapses on the floor weeping and bellowing, “I ran around the track at school a hundred times, just like you said, Daddy. Please don’t make me do it again. Please, Daddy!” Noah steals the clock on the fireplace mantel and screams, “Time is running out, Mommy! You’re going to pay for not letting me play with the other kids.”

“Cut!” Noticing the time on Noah’s clock, I called out, “Lunch, everyone. We’ll pick it up in one hour with the next scene.”

Each cast and crew member tore out of my office as if it were a bomb site during a volcanic eruption. Noah and I followed the pack to the hallway of dressing rooms backstage. At Cam Mark’s dressing room doorway, Caroline Joy stood opposite Cam with desire in her baby blue eyes. Caroline seemed more southern than fried chicken. “Cam precious, would you like to join me in my dressin’ room for some lunch?”

“I like to eat alone,” Cam replied.

Caroline said, as if inviting him to the plantation, “I’ll make you comfortable, and give you an extra treat, honey.”

Cam ran a hand through his long velvety locks. “I’m not interested in you, Caroline.”

She batted her long fake eyelashes. “There’s not a pot too crooked that a lid won’t fix, sugar.” She ran a manicured hand down his chest. “Just tell me how to change, and I’ll do it.”

He pushed her away. “I’m not attracted to you!”

Caroline gasped. “Well since you aren’t into normal women, does Chris Jones our transexual turn you on? Or do you like older women like Zorah Mars? How about guys in wheelchairs like Ford Heathcliff? Or queens like Clark Murata?”

Everyone hovered near them to hear Cam’s answer.

He moved Caroline’s hand from his muscular chest. “I’m not into trannies, old ladies, cripples, fried rice fems, or any of you!”

As the crowd let out a unison shriek of horror, Cam slammed his dressing room door.

Bucky Ray grasped Caroline’s arm. “Come to my dressing room.”

She wrestled free with mascara-stained tears running down her cheeks. “Leave me alone, Bucky.”

“I want to help.”

“We aren’t in Mountain Brook anymore. You can’t solve my problems.” Caroline ran into her dressing room and flung the door shut.

The crowd quickly dispersed—each actor to their dressing room. When we arrived at our dressing room, Noah served Taavi, Sam, and me lunch: beet carrot quinoa spinach humus salad topped with grilled shrimp and chicken and lemon tahini dressing.

Taavi said, “It’s a good thing Cam Mark didn’t insult Madame. I’d have taken care of him.”

Noah stuffed a piece of chicken into Taavi’s mouth. “I’m sure Madame is fine.”

I said, “After things settle down a bit out there, I’ll make Cam and Caroline apologize to the rest of the cast. And I’ll demand that all insulting and politically incorrect comments end now, including from you Sam!”

“Whatever,” Sam replied, licking his lips at the sight of lunch.

Noah added, “Nicky, don’t forget to insist that all sexual harassment ends too.”

“I won’t.” I kissed Noah’s cheek.

Sam took a sip of his watermelon starfruit boysenberry Greek yogurt smoothie. “Noah, you’re a terrific cook, like my wife back in Westchester. I don’t go in for all that Hollywood sushi. Even on Fridays.” He guffawed at his Catholic joke. “Just good, simple food.” He stuffed a large piece of shrimp into his mouth.

So much for the biblical command not to eat shellfish.

After Noah thanked Sam for the cooking compliment, Taavi asked our network producer if he and Madame Mirembe could star in their own television series a la I Love Lucy called I’m Mad about Madame. Before Sam could reply, I steered the conversation back to our television pilot. “Sam, I understand about audience analysis and TV ratings, but I strongly feel the network’s rewrites have taken away the humor, heart, artistry, and originality of Martin’s script which perfectly documented our first case.”

Sam laughed so hard he spit up a shrimp. “Sponsors don’t care about artistry and originality.”

“But our stories aren’t dark and brooding. They’re feel-good mysteries.”

“Nobody in Hollywood feels good. So they want the rest of the country to be in agony along with them.” Sam speared a piece of chicken. “It’s like my Catholic religion. The entire thing is built on misery: poverty, martyrdom, Roman occupation, crucifixion. Yet it has the most members of any religion. Why?”

“Because the priests will bless guns but not gay unions?”

“No, because people connect with despair, unhappiness, and suffering.”

We heard a piercing scream. Noah led us all out of the dressing room. Following the sound of the shriek, we found Madame Mirembe standing at Cam Mark’s dressing room doorway.

“Nicky, look!” Noah pointed to Cam Mark’s still body lying on the dressing room floor with a bloody dart lodged in his cheek.

Cam Mark’s the spot.

“Pop!” I followed the sound of Taavi’s voice to Caroline Joy’s dressing room. Caroline’s limp body lay on the floor. A dart oozed blood from her chest.

Kill Joy!

Author’s Bio:

Joe Cosentino was voted Favorite MM Mystery, Humorous, and Contemporary Author of the Year by the readers of Divine Magazine for Drama Queen, the first Nicky and Noah mystery novel. He is also the author of the remaining Nicky and Noah mysteries: Drama Muscle, Drama Cruise, Drama Luau, Drama Detective, Drama Fraternity, Drama Castle, Drama Dance, Drama Faerie, Drama Runway, Drama Christmas, Drama Pan, Drama TV; the Player Piano Mysteries: The Player and The Player’s Encore; the Jana Lane Mysteries: Paper Doll, Porcelain Doll, Satin Doll, China Doll, Rag Doll; the Cozzi Cove series: Cozzi Cove: Bouncing Back, Moving Forward, Stepping Out, New Beginnings, Happy Endings; the In My Heart Anthology: An Infatuation & A Shooting Star; the Tales from Fairyland Anthology: The Naked Prince and Other Tales from Fairyland and Holiday Tales from Fairyland; the Bobby and Paolo Holiday Stories Anthology: A Home for the Holidays, The Perfect Gift, The First Noel; and the Found At Last Anthology: Finding Giorgio and Finding Armando. His books have won numerous Book of the Month awards and Rainbow Award Honorable Mentions. As an actor, Joe appeared in principal roles in film, television, and theatre, opposite stars such as Bruce Willis, Rosie O’Donnell, Nathan Lane, Jason Robards, and Holland Taylor. He received his Master of Fine Arts degree from Goddard College, Master’s degree from SUNY New Paltz, and is currently a happily married college theatre professor/department chair residing in New York State.