HARPOONED

by Sandra Seamans

My partner, Irma, and I have managed to snag the day off from our private eye business. Okay, so business at Buck Tuff Investigations is slow lately. But sitting out on Lake Coltrane with our friends, Chickie and Smiley, in an all day boat rental, sure beats sitting in the office waiting for a client to walk through the door.

The sun's warm, the wind's cool and Chickie and Irma are filling out their bikinis to perfection. I'm beginning to wish this old tug had a couple of rooms below deck, but, hey, the lookin's fine.

Smiley and I are lounging back in a couple of deck chairs, our fishing lines dipped in the deep blue, chugging back a couple of cold ones. Irma's at the helm easing us around the lake while Chickie's using a pair of binoculars to scout out whales. Yeah, we told her there weren't no whales in the lake, but she didn't believe us.

"Oh, look, Smiley," says Chickie. "There's pirates on the lake."

"Ain't no pirates on Lake Coltrane," replies Smiley.

"But there's a black flag with a skull and crossbones on it."

"Probably just some kids fooling around."

"I don't think it's kids, Smiley. That guy's got a red beard and a black eye patch," says Chickie.

The sound of a boat approaching makes it tough to ignore that comment. Smiley and me goose neck our heads over the bow to take a gander. Sure enough, there's old Red Beard the pirate bearing down on us. We could deal with a boatload of pirates, after all, I have my trusty .38 with me. But these guys mean business. They've got a whale gun in the bow of their boat and they're taking aim like we're Moby Dick.

"You need to find a new line of work, Buck," says Smiley. "I'm getting tired of being shot at by your clients and their problems."

"Why blame me? Maybe one of your patrons' wives found out the bulk of her hubby's paycheck is finding its way into some stripper's G-string."

Since Irma's doing the steering, she throttles up, trying to put some distance between us and that motley crew on the other boat. She's just half a hair too late.

A puff of smoke and that harpoon is careening across the lake and hooking into our boat for the catch of the day.

Most folks would know enough to stop when their boat gets nailed by a giant spear, but not my Irma. She gives the engine more gas and knocks that boat full of pirates flat on their hemorrhoids. While they're scrambling to get their peg legs back under them, Irma heads out across the lake full throttle. Weaving back and forth, she's got their ship hitting every hard edge of wake she can.

Of course, now, we've grabbed the attention of the water cops. They hit their lights and sirens and pull in behind the parade.

I guess Irma figures she's knocked the fight outta them pirates, cause she finally stops the boat. I gotta admit she did a swell job of taking them boys out. They're hanging over the side of their boat heaving their last meal into the lake when the cops pull up beside us.

"Ma'am, what were you doing racing across the lake like that?" asks the officer.

"I was trying to outrun the pirates," says Irma.

"There ain't no pirates on Lake Coltrane."

"Then what do you call them?" she asks, leveling her finger in the direction of Red Beard and his crew.

"That's the mayor and the city council. They're dressed up for the Lake Coltrane Regatta."

"That still doesn't explain why they shot that spear thingy at us," says Irma.

Red Beard, oh, excuse me, the mayor has finally composed himself enough to step into the conversation.

"Officer," he says, "We fired that harpoon by mistake. We were out here to test fire the gun before the race. There wasn't supposed to be anything in it but a flare. The harpoon hit this lady's boat, but before we could explain, she took off. With us attached."

"Do you want to press charges against her, Mayor?"

"Press charges against me? That...that Red Beard is the one who shot us. He could have killed us," shouts Irma.

"Yes, Ma'am, but he's the mayor."

"Oh, Irma, don't worry," says Chickie. "That's Joey the Jinx, he's a regular at Smiley's House of Strippers. Poor man can't get anything right. Just last night he slipped a hundred dollar bill in Glitzy Mitzi's G-string, then asked her to give it back. Claimed he only meant to give her ten. She kept the hundred and gave him a black eye. Is that why you're wearing the eye patch, Joey?"

Mayor Joey's face turns a bit green at the sight of Chickie. And from the looks of the city council, I'd say the mayor's career has just done a Titanic.

"This is all just a misunderstanding, officer. No harm done," he mutters into his beard. "Just escort these folks off the lake. We've got a race to get started."

There sure ain't much difference between pirates and politicians these days. They both know how to spoil a guy's fun and charge him for the privilege of doing it. Old Red Beard cost us a day on the lake, but we took him out in the end. Too bad we ain't got a client to send the bill to.