In Defense Of Defenestration

by Stephen D. Rogers

I could have shot him, I suppose, but then there would have been blood splatter, and noise pollution, and an explosion that would have contributed -- if ever so slightly -- to global warming.

Going after him with a knife would have produced an even bloodier mess and a struggle that may have led to increased body temperatures. Again: global warming.

Poison required disposing of hazardous materials.

His window was open. Pitching him through it did not litter the ground below with broken glass. The cause and manner of death -- falling due to the effects of gravity -- was one hundred percent natural and green.

Personal items of any use have been donated to charity. His body fertilizes a garden. His factory, which now remains open under my rule, will continue to feed thirty-four families.

Dad, he forgot where he came from.

The king is dead. Long live the king.