Mysterical-E

He Said, She Says

A Personnel Matter

by Mark Murphy

“Hey, Sammy,” Vinny said with a laugh as he entered the boiler room. “When Bobby said you wanted to meet me here, I thought for sure he was joking.”

“It’s no joke,” I said. I stood a few feet away from him, arms folded, a manila envelope in my right hand. “Shut the door.”

He looked at me, then at the envelope, then quickly back at me, still grinning. Then he remembered what I’d told him to do and kicked the door closed.

“Mind if I take my coat off, too?” he said. “Sure is hot in here.”

“Go ahead,” I said. “But that’s not why I took mine off.”

“No?” he said, making no move to take off his coat.

“I took it off,” I said, “just to show that I’m not wearing a wire. And if you want to look around, you’ll find there are no bugs around here, either.”

“Bugs?” He laughed, too loudly, as beads of sweat broke out on his forehead. “Who the hell puts bugs in a boiler room?”

“You never know,” I said.

“So,” Vinny said after about ten seconds, during which he still hadn’t taken his coat off, or his grin, “you wanted to see me why?”

I unfolded my arms and tapped the envelope with my left index finger.

“What’s in there?” His mouth was still grinning, but his eyes weren’t.

It was seven in the morning and I had a long day ahead of me and I was getting really tired of beating around the bush, so I reached inside the envelope and showed him the photo.

His face paled, and his grin faded into a weak smile as he looked at it. He kept his eyes on it as he very slowly took off his coat and placed it over one arm.

“Oh, come on, Sam,” he finally said. “You can’t believe that.”

“Seeing is believing,” I said. “You and Sal Ganzer. And do you really expect me to believe that someone like you just happened to run into someone like him in one of the city’s worst dives?”

“Geez, Sam,” he said, “you know how easy it is to fake these things. Any 10-year-old with half a brain and some cheap software can – ”

“Charlie took it,” I said. I put the picture back in the envelope.

“Charlie?” His face was even paler now.

“Charlie,” I said. “He’s been taking care of this for me. Just him. None of his boys.”

“Charlie,” he said.

Charlie had once been a city cop. He’d even won a couple of decorations for bravery.

But now he took his marching orders from me.

“It’s over, Vinny,” I said as I watched his body sag. “We know you talked to Ganzer about hiring him to knock me off.”

He shuffled his feet against the concrete floor. The noise wasn’t quite as bad as fingernails against a blackboard, but it came pretty close.

“How’d you find out?”

I reached over and smacked him on the head with the envelope. “Idiot! You didn’t think he’d go straight to the feds and try to cut a deal? With what you told him?”

He nodded a few times, then nodded some more. “Yeah, yeah,” he said. “I know. It was a dumb idea. I guess I just wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s not that you ‘wasn’t thinking,’” I said, “it’s that you let Claudia do the thinking. It was her idea, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right,” he said. “It was her idea, Vinny.”

Claudia was Vinny’s wife. She’d been a pain in the organization’s butt since before day one.

“I figured as much,” I said. I shook my head. “You know, I didn’t want you. I never wanted you. But they said if I didn’t go along they’d cut off the money, and you know what that would have meant. So I went along with it.”

“I’m sorry, Sammy,” he whined. I expected him to whine some more, but suddenly his eyes got wider.

“What happens to me now?” he said after a moment, his voice almost a whisper. “And Claudia? And there’s the kids.”

I said, “I presume the kids know nothing about this. They’re both in college, right?”

“Right,” he said. “Right on both counts.”

“As for you and Claudia, don’t be absurd. There’s no way we can do anything to the two of you, much as I’d like to.” The thought of kneecapping Claudia did bring a trace of a smile to my face. “But we can’t risk the ripple effect.”

He wiped his forehead with a handkerchief.

“Thanks,” he said. “Thanks, Sammy. Really appreciate that.”

Neither of us said anything for a little while. I looked at my watch and once again told myself I didn’t have time for this crap.

Then, maybe just to fill the silence, he said, “So you got someone in mind to replace me?”

I nodded. “Not that I have to tell you, but I’ve chosen Artie. If you really want to know, and you probably don’t, he was my first choice all along.”

“Yeah,” he said. “Artie. Artie’ll be good. He and I have been involved in a lot of stuff together.”

He gave me that weak smile again. I struggled to keep my breakfast down.

“That’s all,” I said, waving him away. “Go see Bobby. He’ll fill you in on what happens now, give you all the details.”

“Yes,” he said, moving toward the door. “Go see Bobby,” he said to himself. “He’s always been very good with the details.”

A little while later, as I was about to talk to some other people, Charlie tapped me on the arm.

I leaned over, careful to keep my winning smile in place.

“It’s taken care of, Sammy. Everyone’s on the same page,” he said. “Though I still don’t like it one little bit.”

“We’ve been all over this,” I whispered through my smile, looking away from him.

“But immunity for Ganzer,” he whispered back, shaking his head. “A piece of scum like that. All the stuff we know he’s done but can’t prove. All the things – ”

“We’ll talk later, Charlie,” I told the director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Then I broke away from him and walked to the lectern.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the press,” I said, “It is my sad duty to announce that Vice President Vincent Clarkson has resigned, effective immediately.”

I ignored the crowd’s gasps and shouts and proceeded to read from a piece of paper.

“The vice president’s doctor has advised him to step down for health reasons. Please let me assure you that the vice president is not seriously ill – it’s nothing at all like that – but the results of his most recent physical revealed that he has does have an irregular heartbeat, and, as you might know, he has for years been battling hypertension, and given all of this, coupled with the stress of his job, he has decided to submit his resignation, which I most reluctantly have accepted.

“As his successor, I have decided to nominate Senator Arthur Lakey, whom you all know. Vice President Clarkson, who as you may know served on several committees with Senator Lakey before becoming vice president, agrees with me that the senator’s experience, and his knowledge of both domestic and foreign policy issues, more than qualify him.

“And now, if you will excuse me,” I said, folding the piece of paper, “in a few minutes I have to leave for my summit with the Russian president. In the meantime, if
you have any further questions, my chief of staff, Robert Davies, is here and will be happy to address them. Bobby, if you will?”