Life Is Boring

By Bill Bernico

My head hurt and my mind whirled. Red, yellow, orange and blue streaks flashed across my eyes. I felt sick to my stomach and tried desperately to open my eyes. They felt as if they were made of lead but I finally managed to open them. What was wrong, I thought? Was I blind? My world around me was black and silent. I was flat on my back. I tried lifting my arms but they hit something a foot above me. I tried extending them out to my sides. Again they hit something solid eight or nine inches to either side of me.

What the hell was this? It felt like I was in a coffin, not that I had ever been in one before. I kicked my feet up and hit the same solid mass my hands had encountered. I felt the area above my head again. The texture felt like construction grade plywood. My heart began to race and my imagination ran wild.

Then I remembered my key chain. It was still in my left pants pocket. I could feel it pressing against my left leg. I rolled toward my right side and rearranged my left arm to reach into the pocket. The keys were there. I pulled them out and held them in front of my face. On the key chain was a small light in the shape of a half dollar. Squeezing the sides produced a narrow beam of light, usually meant to light up a keyhole at your door. It lit up my immediate world enough to let me see that I was indeed in some sort of oblong box.

Panic set in as I realized I was probably buried alive.

Who? Why? Why me?

I wiped the sweat from my upper lip and then smelled my fingers. There was still the faint odor or chloroform on my mustache and fingers. That's why my head hurt and I was dizzy. Then it came back to me. The last thing I remembered was walking toward my car last night. I was still fifty yards from my car when a hand clamped over my mouth. I struggled briefly but everything went dark and that's really all I remember until I woke up.

I separated one of the keys and tapped at the top of the box above my face. I heard a faint echo and breathed a little easier. I couldn't be buried alive. It didn't sound like there was a lot of dirt on top of my box. Rather it sounded like the box was sitting in a large empty room somewhere. But where? I pushed up at the top of the box with my hands. Nothing budged. I put the key chain back in my pocket and tried to roll over on my stomach. It took a little wiggling, but soon I was lying flat on my stomach. I knew I had a foot or so clearance above so I pulled my legs up toward me and found myself kneeling. I knew I could get more leverage from this position. I braced my hands on the floor of the box and pushed up with my back. The wood bent somewhat but didn't give. I tried again and could hear some creaking. I caught my breath and gave one last push with my hands, my back and my legs. The sound of wood splintering was music to my ears.

I paused once more and held my breath while I heaved upward again. The top of my coffin popped open and swung away on hinges. The room I was in was just as dark as the box I lay in. I sat upright and stretched. Then I remembered the key chain. I found the key light and illuminated the area just over the rim of the box. Three feet down I could make out a floor of some sort. I stood up in the box and eased myself over the edge and lowered myself to the floor below.

Once on the floor I could see that the wooden box sat on two sawhorses. I tried shining the light around the room but it only lit up a few feet in front of me. I took a few steps away from the box, shining the light ahead of me as I stepped. Still nothing but black all around me. I took a few more steps before the light caught something ahead of me. I stepped closer and shined the light. It was a doorknob. Further scanning with the light revealed a pair of hinges. This had to be the way out.

I shined the light on the wall adjacent to the door and followed it around the perimeter of the room. On the opposite wall there was another door. So which one was the exit? Both doors were locked and would obviously not open with either of the car keys on my ring. I decided the second door looked less formidable and tried prying up on the top hinge pin with my car key. It held fast. I knelt and tried the bottom hinge. It moved slightly but not enough to remove the pin. I leaned closer and spit on the hinge before trying the key again. The pin moved a little more. Another slug of spit and another upward thrust with the key was all it took to remove the hinge pin. I inserted the tip of my key into the crack and pried. The door moved toward me slightly before I grabbed further in with the key and pried again. The key snapped off in my hand. Damn! All I had left on my ring was one more car key. I had to be careful with it. It was my last tool.

The movement of the bottom of the door must have been enough to loosen the top hinge pin. I spit on that one and tried my key again. The pin budged. I took another hold on it and pushed. It came out altogether and now all I had to do was pry the door toward me without breaking my last key. I carefully inserted the key in the crack just a little and pried. It moved. I pried again and it moved some more. Suddenly a sliver of light appeared between the door and the jam. I was able to get my fingertips on the edge of the door and pull. The door let loose and fell toward me. I reached up and kept it from falling on top of me.

The room behind me lit up from the doorway. Now I could see that it was approximately twelve feet by fifteen feet in area. There was nothing in it except the two sawhorses with the coffin on it. The other room wasn't much bigger but at least it was lit up by a single bulb hanging from the ceiling by a wire. There was no other door in that room. This hadn't been the exit door after all. The first door I encountered had to be the way out. At least now I had the hinge pins from the door I'd opened. They could serve the purpose of pushing the other hinge pins out. I could save my last key for other uses if necessary.

I took my place on the floor next to the other closed door. At least now I had some illumination from the room beyond the opened door. My mouth was getting dry and spit came a little harder than before. I wet the hinge and tapped upward with the hinge pin I had taken from the first door. The pin on this door gave way much easier than when I'd used the key. It took only seven minutes to remove this door from its hinges. The room beyond was dark but I still had my key chain light. I held it in front of me and squeezed. Something red caught my eye. There was another one close to it, almost like the wary eyes of a jungle cat. The red lights went out and then returned. Something had blinked. The hair on the back of my neck snapped to attention and my breathing was coming faster. I was genuinely scared now. My mind flashed to the conversation I'd had with my wife just last week.

“My life is so boring,” I'd said to Melissa. “Nothing exciting ever happens to me. I'll be forty years old next week and it feels like my life has come to a standstill.”

Melissa had looked up from the evening paper long enough to say, “Mid-life crisis again, Chuck?”

“Don't patronize me, dear,” I'd said. “There has to be more to life than just getting up, going to work, coming home and going to bed only to start the whole boring process over again the next day.”

“What would you like me to do about it, dear?” Melissa said, raising the paper in front of her face.

I'd left that night in a huff and hadn't come home until three the following morning. Melissa had gone to bed and hadn't even missed me. It had all been for nothing. I was still in the same grind, like, a gerbil on a wheel, running fast but going nowhere.

Right now I'd be willing to settle for my easy chair and the evening paper. This ordeal was more than I could absorb. The pair of red lights appeared again and moved slightly to the left before going out again. I jumped back instinctively and retreated through the door I'd just opened. The pair of red lights appeared again, this time coming closer toward me. I quickly looked around me. I had nowhere to retreat to and stood frozen in my tracks. From the darkness I could hear a low, throaty rumbling, like a large motor behind a cement wall. The rumbling got louder and closer and seemed to be attached to the pair of red eyes, or lights or whatever they were.

I felt a warm feeling in front of me and soon my legs were warm and wet. I'd wet myself and had involuntarily begun to cry. Suddenly the lights in the second room flashed on and three dozen people yelled in unison, “Surprise.”

There in Melissa's hand was a small troll doll with a pair of red eyes that lit up when you squeezed its tummy. She was in her stocking feet. Behind her stood my best friend, Don. Also in his stocking feet, he was holding a cassette player boom box. He pressed the play button and the sound of the lion's rumble played. He smirked. I fainted.

When I came to there were three dozen people standing over me looking down into my face. Melissa was patting my forehead with a wet towel and Don was still smirking. I sat up and the rest of the room erupted in laughter.

Melissa whispered in my ear, “Happy Birthday, dear. Still think life is boring?”