Tis the season and all that jive. Welcome back to the frozen north, where men are men and cows are nervous, but going outside to see the beautiful bovines isn't recommended unless you like frostbite. Most people don't, since it may involve removing body parts, or parts of parts, like the old fried chicken commercial. Then again, some people like to watch re-runs of
“Three's Company”, and I think if I had the choice, I'd chop my own toes off.

It's the Holiday season—notice the cap on “Holiday”; I'm not going to offend anyone if I can help it, at least not about that—and it's time to spend money you don't have on presents for people you don't like. It's a guilt thing, of course, and since rumor has it that the Christians invented guilt, it seems rather appropriate for this predominately Christian holiday. Television pushes its' brainwashing further around this time of year, and to tell you the truth, I'm having a hard time ignoring it. You see, if you don't buy something for everyone, those that didn't receive will remember. And they will exact their revenge. Don't buy Aunt Sally something worthy? Don't expect to be in the will, even though the only thing she has is the accumulated sweet-and-low packages she's stolen from every restaurant she has eaten at for the last 50 years. ‘But I don't give a rats ass about sweet-and-low', you say? It isn't Aunt Sally and her guilt trip that you have to worry about. It's the other relatives.

“You didn't buy Sally a good enough gift, you cheap little bastard,” whines your Uncle Herbert. “Aren't you a Christian? Are you in league with the Devil? Shame on you. You're cut out of the will.”

It doesn't end there. For the rest of your life you will be reminded about this life gaff, and getting a lump of coal in your stocking will be the least of your worries. This is helped by our old friends the television advertising executives, who shape our minds to buy products to alleviate the guilt, and guarantee a spot for you in heaven. Even the fast food industry is getting involved. They know that the economy is still sucking worse than a screening of “Old Dogs”, so one of them is suggesting buying the people “lower down on the list” a gift certificate to buy one of their burgers that is priced out a one dollar. Now who's the cheap bastard? The rest of the media is filled with stories of the economy, and if we don't buy more, we aren't helping our country get back on its feet. Was Black Friday successful? Not so much, so go out and buy more stuff. Television tells us that it's all right to go into debt at this time of the year, and if we don't, well, you're either not a good Christian or not a good American. It's guilt that makes the world go around. For those of you that don't have a Christian upbringing, I don't want to leave you out; I'm sure you have your hang-ups as well, but I'm not familiar with them, and I have enough problems with organized religion to learn any more.

The reason I'm bitching so much is because me and my wife Susan are a little short on money this year since we decided I should go back to school and get my BA so I can get a decent job. My pay has been cut by two-thirds since I'm working just part-time, and the stress gets to us sometimes. We can still see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is full of crap and bricks are falling out of the ceiling. She gets that wistful look in her eye about the past and it breaks my heart, but what can I do short of robbing a bank?

On the positive side of things, school is going swimmingly, and the lack of money allows us to stay at home more and heckle the new crop of television shows. Two of our favorites Fringe, Castle and Lie to Me are getting better, and I highly recommend them. CSI (Las Vegas) seems to just be going through the motions sometimes, and some of the plots have gigantic holes in them. And whoever invented the DVR should get the Nobel Peace Prize, because if I had to suffer though anymore “holiday” commercials than I have to now, I figure out a way to bring about Armageddon myself. The worst of the lot are the car commercials. Like I said, we don't have a lot of money, but seriously, does anyone buy a Mercedes of a Lexus for a Christmas present? It always shows the happy family out in the yard in front of the perfect house looking at the great big red bow wrapped around a car that costs more than I make in five years. Of course, there is a boy and a girl with the husband and wife and Scraps the golden retriever is bounding around the new car himself thinking, ‘I can't wait to pee on the tires!”

The brick house is decorated in about a thousand dollars of lights and an inflatable Santa because for God's sake we wouldn't want to live in reality, now would we? You can buy this beautiful machine or they can offer you an attractive rate on a lease—five grand down (not including taxes or destination fees) and 500 dollars a month. For a freaking lease.

Maybe I should try to get into the spirit of things. Just because I don't have the dough to buy a seventy thousand dollar car, doesn't mean I shouldn't feel some empathy for those that can. Maybe it isn't so bad to be inundated buy commercials that guilt us into buying crap that we give to others. After all, it feels good, doesn't it? I mean, we're supposed to be celebrating the birth of a great man—of course, he was born in the summer, and the holiday was created to coincide with the pagan ritual of the winter solstice, but is that the important thing? Maybe, maybe not. I just wish things were a little different, where there was some true spirit involved instead of the mindless commercialism.

Unfortunately, even with this rant, the guilt's still there and I feel like a tire on a Mercedes and Scraps got a full bladder. Anybody know of a good bank I can knock off?