Avenging Angel

Anita Page

As soon as Dani suggested they go for a swim before work, James knew what he was in for. He watched her put cheese sandwiches together in his mother's kitchen, smearing mayo on his and mustard on hers. Then she left him to pack their lunch in a plastic grocery bag while she went into the bedroom to change.

When she came back, the shirt she'd thrown on over her bathing suit was unbuttoned. The flash of her white skin against the electric blue bikini filled him with longing and dread.

The parking lot at Round Pond was empty at that early hour except for the town's day camp bus that brought kids over for their swim lessons. James and Dani carried their lunch and a faded yellow blanket onto the grassy slope that ran down to the strip of beach and the pond. They spread the blanket out on the slope as far from the splashing, shouting kids as they could get.

Dani stretched out on the blanket, one forearm behind her head, one leg bent at the knee, and smiled up at him. He looked down at her, at the swell of her breasts, the curve of her thigh, the tiny ring in the fold of her navel. “I'm going in for a swim,” he said. He headed down the path to the pond, hoping she wouldn't follow. He waded out a bit, then plunged in, feeling relief in the cool water. When he got to the floating dock, he held onto the rope ladder, and saw Dani swimming toward him with her strong, gliding stroke.

When she got to the dock, she grabbed the rope ladder with one hand and pulled his head down to meet hers with the other. With her tongue in his mouth, she wrapped her legs around his. They both knew he couldn't resist her.

Back at the blanket, they lay down and let the sun dry them. Holding Dani's hand, eyes closed, James steeled himself against what he knew was coming. She chose her moments. The shouts of the kids at their swim lesson seemed far away. James felt himself drifting toward sleep. Maybe today she'd let it go.

Then Dani said, “I need to do it soon.” Her voice was quiet and matter-of-fact, as if she were talking about a homework assignment.

James said nothing. He felt her shift position. He knew she was up on one elbow now, looking down at him.

“If I don't do it soon,” Dani said, “he's going to have another heart attack and drop dead. That's what the doctor told my aunt. That's why they want him to have the by-pass surgery. Which he won't do because he's afraid of hospitals. Moron .”

James felt her sweet breath on his face. “That's the part I don't get.” He spoke without opening his eyes. If he had a tape recorder, he could just hit play. He'd said this so many times. “He's going to be dead soon anyway. Why not just let it happen? It doesn't make sense to me.”

He felt her shift again and knew she lay back down.

“Everybody dies, James,” she said in a flat voice. “It's not punishment if he dies like everyone else.”

James wished to God the old man would drop dead that day, that hour. Then he'd be free of the dread that was lodged in his gut.

“I'm really tired of talking about this,” Dani said. “He has to be punished. I explained that to you and I asked you to help me. You won't give me a definite yes or no. But you know what? It's okay. I can do it myself. I won't ask you again.”

Dani's tone was like a door slamming in his face. Dread was replaced by cold terror at the thought of losing her. If she went ahead without him, that's what would happen.

Soon the day campers left. Then the mothers appeared, lugging their coolers onto the grassy slope. The kids straggled behind clutching beach toys. James and Dani ate their sandwiches and then went back to James' house to shower and change.

* * *

Two years ago, when Dani's mother died, her father had asked her to move to Boston and live with him. “He thinks he can make up for walking out on us when I was a baby? Screw his guilt,” she'd said to James.

She'd stayed on in Laurel Pond, officially living with her aunt and uncle and their two kids in a large colonial at the north end of town. But most of the time she stayed with James and his mother in a small three-bedroom ranch house just west of Main Street . Dani told James that her Aunt Helen sometimes asked, “His mom's home, right?” And Dani always said yes, which was what her aunt wanted to hear, and which was usually true.

The big surprise to James was that his mother let Dani more or less move in with them. He figured it was because Dani's mother was dead. For her, Dani was like one of the abandoned cats that came to their back porch to be fed. After a couple of weeks of Dani living out of a shopping bag, James' mother emptied the chest of drawers in the spare room and turned it over to her.

James knew that his mother was aware of what went on after she was asleep. She knew that Dani made her way down the hall to James' room, where he waited in his narrow bed, the night breeze blowing the curtains at the open windows.

His mother nailed him once, not giving him a chance to deny what was going on. “I'm not spending the night patrolling the hall here,” she said. “But you damn well better make sure that girl doesn't get pregnant. She doesn't need that grief after what she's been through.” She'd jabbed him in his chest, never mind that she had to look up to meet his eyes. “This is your responsibility. Do I make myself clear?”

James, red-faced, had avoided her stare but managed to mumble that yes, he got the message.

* * *

Dani slipped an Iron Maiden CD into the car's player and turned the volume high enough to fill the silence all the way to the mall. As they walked across the parking lot to the employees' entrance, James said he'd meet her at the food court during break.

“Not tonight. I've got something to do.” She stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. “It's a surprise. I'll meet you at closing.”

James watched as the escalator carried Dani up to the second level. She'd gotten a summer job in a women's clothing store and he was working in the electronics store on the lower level. As he walked the length of the mall, he assured himself that if Dani was angry at him, she wouldn't have kissed him and she wouldn't have talked about a surprise. Maybe -- and this was absolutely best thing that could happen -- maybe without him to help her, she'd give up the idea of killing her grandfather.

* * *

They'd met in freshman homeroom and soon after that started going together. Three years later James still remembered the November morning they cut out of school to go back to his house. The brilliant blue sky, the biting wind, and the silent promise of the empty house when they let themselves in. It was his first time ever. He was so dumb, so inexperienced, that he wouldn't have actually realized Dani wasn't a virgin, except that she wanted to talk about it. He didn't care and he didn't really want to know who she'd been with before, but she insisted on telling him. He trembled, listening to her describe the things her grandfather had done to her from the time she was seven.

The worst part, Dani said, was when her grandfather clapped his big fleshy hand over her mouth so that she wouldn't scream. She was convinced each time he did it, that she would suffocate. Those words burned a picture in his brain that James knew would be with him forever.

“You're the first person I've ever told,” Dani whispered to him. When she was little -- in the years when she and her mom lived in her grandparents' house -- her grandfather said that if she told anyone, the family would all think she was lying and they'd send her away to reform school. She believed him for a long time. When she was older, eleven or twelve, she tried telling her mother, but it was if her mother were deaf or spoke another language.

“I was angry at her for not protecting me,” she told James. “Even after I was thirteen and we finally moved out of that house, I was so angry I couldn't stand to be in a room with her. But then one day just before she died, I was visiting her in the hospital. We were talking and all of a sudden she looked past me toward the door. I'll never forget her face, the terror and the hate mixed up together. I turned to see who was there, and it was my grandfather. Then I knew he'd done it to her too. That was when I decided I was going to kill him.”

James remembered Dani leaning over, after she'd told him her story, and licking a tear off his cheek with a flick of her tongue. She didn't want him to be sorry for her, she'd said. She just wanted him to hate her grandfather as much as she did.

* * *

They met at the employees exit at ten o'clock and walked to the car. As soon as James started the engine, Dani turned on the overhead light and unzipped her pants. She laughed at James' startled expression. “Not what you think,” she said, and slid the pants down low enough so he could see the tattoo on the soft slope curving down from her hip bone. Avenging Angel, it said in blue letters. “Hot, huh?” She laughed.

James forced a smile. He realized there was no way to stop Dani from killing her grandfather. And if the police ever came after her, that tattoo was like a signed confession.

* * *

After her grandmother died that past December, Dani's talk about some day killing the old man became a real plan. It was going to be easy, she explained to James, now that her grandfather lived by himself. He was so stupid he kept a key under the flowerpot next to the front door, the first place any burglar would look. They'd wait until eleven, when she was sure he'd be asleep, and let themselves in. Dani could find her way around the house in the dark. And she was the one who'd kill him. She could probably do it alone, but it would be better if James was there, just in case she needed help.

While James listened, he thought about a trail he and Dani often hiked in the nearby Shawangunks. It was narrow, with a rock wall on one side and a sheer drop on the other. When Dani asked him to help her kill the old man, he felt like he was on that trail. One wrong step and he'd be over the edge. He froze, couldn't say yes or no.

Dani said she understood that he needed time to think about it, and for a while she didn't press him. But then, a month ago, after her grandfather had his heart attack and the doctors said he might have a second one, she knew she didn't have much time.

“We'll be murderers,” he finally said to her. “We'll have to live with that our whole lives.”

“If that bastard dies of a heart attack like a million other people, I'll have to live with that my whole life,” she'd said.

* * *

Driving home from the mall, James turned on the CD player, but Dani lowered the volume. “I'm going to do it this Friday,” she said. “I just need one thing from you. Lend me the car for an hour.”

“Why Friday?” he asked.

“Why not?”

All day Friday, James pictured Dani driving alone up the dark steep road to her grandfather's house, shoulders hunched, her hands gripping the wheel. Finally, on their way home from the mall, he said he'd take her.

She was glad, she said, but told him it was okay if he waited in the car. “I know I can handle this on my own.”

They waited until eleven, just as Dani had planned, before setting out for the old man's house, six miles east of the village. James pulled into the long driveway and when Dani got out of the car, he hesitated only a second before he got out too. What was the point in clinging to the edge of the cliff if she was going over?

“You're sure?” She kept her voice down.

He nodded, not knowing if she could see him in the dark.

“I don't want you to go into the bedroom with me,” she whispered. “I don't want him to see you. I'll yell if I need help.”

Dani found the key under the flowerpot. Then she led James through the dark house. She took a pillow from the sofa in the living room and then went down a hallway, past the bathroom where a nightlight glowed.

She put her hand against James' chest when they got to the bedroom, signaling that he should wait there. Then she went in and sat at the edge of her grandfather's bed.

From the doorway, James took in the musty, sour smell of the room and the whistle of the old man's breathing. He could feel his heart pounding. He just wanted it to be over. He was startled when Dani said, “Grandfather!” in a loud voice.

She called the old man again, and when he didn't respond, James -- his eyes now adjusted to the dark -- saw her shake her grandfather's arm.

“Wha …what? Who…?” The old man was confused. He struggled to sit up and then fell back on his pillow. “Dani? What are you doing here? What the hell do you want?” He sounded groggy, not quite coherent.

James tensed, waiting for what he knew was coming.

“I'm going to kill you,” Dani said. Her voice was steady but James heard that she was on the edge of tears. “I'm going to kill you for all things you did to me and for all the things you did to my mother.”

“What the hell time is it?” The old man shifted to see the clock on his bedside table. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I just told you, goddamn you. I'm going to kill you for raping me and raping my mother. And maybe Aunt Helen too, I don't know. I'm punishing you, you bastard.”

“What the hell are you…?” Just as the old man began to push himself up on his elbows, Dani shoved the pillow down on his face. When he began to struggle she threw her full weight on the pillow. He kicked and thrashed his arms, but then was soon still.

James stepped into the room and put a hand on Dani's shoulder. When she stood, James thought she looked almost surprised to see him. She took the pillow off her grandfather's face and held a hand close to his mouth. Then she turned and led the way back through the living room, where she replaced the couch pillow, and out to the car.

They didn't speak until they were back on the road and headed toward town.

“Are you okay?” James asked.

Dani was looking out the side window. “I was hoping he was going to plead with me the way I used to plead with him. In my mind, that's how it was going to be. Goddamn him. It was as if…” She suddenly turned to James. “Go back. Go back to the house. Now! Just do it. I have to see something.”

James waited until they came to a driveway so he could pull in and make a u-turn. The old man was dead. What the hell was going on? But he knew better than to ask.

This time Dani insisted James wait in the car. He watched her retrieve the key from under the flowerpot and let herself in. Then he saw a light go on in what he knew must be the bedroom. Seconds later the light went off.

Dani was sobbing when she got into the car. “Go.”

“Dani, what…”

“Go!” She was crying and hugging herself. When they were back on the road, she said through her tears, “I screwed up.”

“What are you talking about?” James glanced at her.

“He didn't hear me,” Dani cried. “He had no idea why I was there. That's why he didn't plead for mercy. His goddamn hearing aids were on the night table. He didn't know what the hell was going on.” She thumped her knees with her fists. “I am such a loser. I am the world's biggest looser.” Her body shook with sobs.

When they were back in the village, James looked over at her. She was quiet now. Her head was back and eyes were shut. “You killed your grandfather,” he said. “You did what you wanted to do.”

“You don't get it, James,” she said, without opening her eyes. “You'll never get it.”